Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
