Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
