Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize