Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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