I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
