So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
