Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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