tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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