3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
