Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
