Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The dick lei will go down in squad history
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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