I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
