So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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