Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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