hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize