he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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