Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
