My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
