there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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