they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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