I skipped work to stalk him.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
