So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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