I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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