I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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