i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
