I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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