I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
