Someone shit on the floor
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize