Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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