my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
