At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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