Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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