We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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