Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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