My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
