my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
