I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
