my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
