Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
