His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
