I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
