Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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