I wanna bring you to show and tell
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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