we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize