yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
