I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
this is an emotional support booty call
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
