I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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