remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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