Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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