I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
