i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
