Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
