watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
