just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
