I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
