twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
