woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
