Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
how drunk are you?
Several
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
