Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
As shirtless as possible
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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