yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
