I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
