what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
