True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
