i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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