I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
