On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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