There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
