I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
