in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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